The Pope Does Coke

The erratic behavior of Pope Benedict has caught the attention of media hounds and Catholics alike in the past few weeks, especially amid new allegations of drug abuse in the Vatican.

Eddie Maceli of Queens, N.Y., believes there is truth to the hype, saying: "It makes sense. I mean, he's pretty old. He runs all over the place, crossing himself and blessing everyone...his arms probably get pretty tired. Where else could he get all that energy?"

Some would argue that his energy source is in fact divine, but according to one source, "Benedict has a little ritual, everyone close to him knows about it. Before he snorts a line, he says 'The Lord giveth,' and then after he's finished he says 'and the Lord taketh away.'"

Further evidence includes frequent trips to the bathroom to "freshen up" and late night jogs with Kate Moss.

99% of Americans Are Pretty Sure They Can Somehow Turn Off Streetlights

A recent Gallup poll indicated that the vast majority of Americans believe they wield the power to turn off streetlights. Results are as follows:

99.9% - believe their presence has something to do with the phenomenon.

67.3% - believe that they alone wield this mystical power.

34.1% - have tried to do it on purpose.

00.014% - insist that they have succeeded in turning the streetlight back on.

Bad News: God Really IS Watching Your Every Move

In a recent discovery reported by NASA, the "Eye of God," as some have dubbed it, seems to be lurking somewhere in the Helix Nebula. NASA spokesman Dan Kern denies any relationship to the media-shy deity, but both believers and non-believers disagree.

"I think it's nice that God has blue eyes," Shirley van der Hyde told reporters late Wednesday afternoon. "It definitely proves that he's Aryan."

"It also proves that he's a Cyclops!" retorted a man standing nearby, who declined to give his name.

In related news, a group of picketers outside the White House touted signs emblazoned with the likes of: "We haven't done anything wrong! Give Americans their privacy," and "Down with the Celestial Patriot Act."

Billy Wins Special Olympics, Loses Self-Respect

Billy Hamilton of Sioux Falls, S.D. was unable to enjoy his gold medal in the wheelchair race, since his win was tainted with guilt. In a statement issued this morning, he explained: "I was so excited, and Michelle pulled ahead of me, so I just rammed her, rammed her real good with my wheelchair, and she toppled over. Everyone pretended not to notice."

Not two hours after Hamilton's statement was made public, the silver medalist was disqualified, having testing positive for steroids.

Iran Plans to Blow the #*$! out of America

Iran, whose hobbies include field hockey, handicrafts, and Allah, is allegedly in construction of a nuclear program capable of creating 40-50 bombs - all of which would be used to blow up America as soon as tomorrow.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has recently voiced annoyance with the North American country, saying "America complains too much. It is time to rid the world of all that noise."

Defense Department officials expressed chagrin over Ahmadinejad's direct threat to the USA's way of life. White House spokesman Tony Snow announced this morning: "We disapprove of Iran's uranium enrichment program and we discourage the use of nuclear weapons to blow up America. We don't know how we can stress this enough. Seriously, how many times do we have to tell you this before you just stop already???"

Ahmadinejad refused to comment, only stating that he does not make deals with whiners and infidels.

Hurricane Beryl Turns into a Totally Lame Tropical Storm

After much anticipation, Hurricane Beryl has decided that even she can't afford to hit the high-priced stores of Manhattan. Many East Coast residents expressed disappointment at the hurricane's no-show. "I mean, we were pretty excited. This was going to be the biggest thing since Hurricane Katrina," said Boston, Mass. resident Melinda Hale, "and now it's nothing but a tropical storm? I mean, what the hell is that, anyway?"

Jake Spillman, also of Boston, Mass., added, "Yeah, and a lot more people live on the East Coast than in Louisiana! It would've been pretty cool, if you ask me."

After hearing the National Weather Service's downgrade, country singers nationwide shelved their Hurricane Beryl relief theme songs, saving the already penned lyrics of hope, support, and unwavering patriotism for the next national disaster.

Jesus Says: Not Coming Back After All

After observing millennia of turmoil following his ascension, Jesus announced early Monday afternoon his decision that the planet Earth is "just too messed up" - and so he will not be returning, as previously promised. During the press conference, the disenchanted Christ added that he would be placing his hopes on a budding planetary system in the Trifid nebula.